


Five First Times Octavia Does Not Regret

by Nyxierose



Series: Divided [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 08:17:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3202148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyxierose/pseuds/Nyxierose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Octavia learns how to trust, how to disconnect, and how to let herself feel things. (Oh, and brings another person into her questionable plans.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five First Times Octavia Does Not Regret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Terapsina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terapsina/gifts).



_The first time she breathes him in_.

She’s not supposed to get attached to  _anyone_  down here. That was the first rule, the most important one, the thing repeated to her over and over and over until she practically says it in her sleep. But then Octavia sees  _him_  and suddenly, less than twenty-four hours into her mission, that rule is completely irrelevant.

His name doesn’t matter, she tells herself - that’ll make it harder for her to stay as cold as she needs to be. None of the details are allowed to matter. Still, she’s got to allow herself  _some_  indulgences down here, so she stares openly and shamelessly. He’s beautiful, that’s not exactly anythingshe can take blame for. Practically twice her size, few years on her, scars and tattoos entwined in patterns all over what she can see of his skin. Everyone else down here is so  _clean_ , she thinks - and that’s got to be intentional, but this one is still a nice change of pace.  _Her_  one, she starts mentally calling him, to differentiate him from the others. If nothing else, he’s a nice distraction from the weight of the world trying so hard to drown her. She can have this.

_The first time he kisses her._

Three weeks in, she’s standing in one of the hallways with her back against the wall and trying to come down from a minor panic and suddenly she is not alone. She’s not surprised by this. Getting any kind of quiet down here is borderline impossible, she  _knows_  that, and the few heartbeats she just found will get her through the next week. ‘Least, they’d better.

"Are you okay?" His voice is gentle - she likes that, it doesn’t match him at all but that’s most of the fun.

She nods, making cautious eye contact. She’s been good at this, at not getting anywhere near him unless she absolutely  _has_  to, but apparently today is the day she completely fucks that up. “I will be.”

Before she can really process it, his hands are light on her shoulders and his lips lighter still against hers. It’s a heartbeat, not even lasting long enough for her to reciprocate, but still the sweetest purest thing anyone’s ever done to her.

"Was that okay?"

She smiles, teasingly licking her lips because that’s how she’s wired herself to respond. “Best moment of my life.”

Three weeks in, Octavia finally says something true. She wishes it wasn’t, but reality is damning like that.

 _The first time his bed is warmer than hers_.

She gets nightmares - usually about the fire, but sometimes about what happened in the eight years between getting lost and being found. Fire dreams are easier, they’re always the same and she always knows how it’ll end, but her subconscious is a scary place and sometimes she screams, sometimes she forgets it isn’t real. Sometimes, she can’t do it alone.

She slips out from under her blankets, out into the hallway again, and waits. Place like this, half the recruits have insomnia and she already knows no one gets sleeping pills for any reason whatsoever. If she waits long enough, she’ll at least find a misery buddy.

Somehow, she’s not surprised it’s him. Somehow, she’s not surprised when he takes one look at her - hair in gravity-defying directions, eyes still vaguely bloodshot, limbs still shaking - and wraps his arms around her and holds her close. “Are you okay?” he breathes, and  _god_  he’s warm and right and comforting.

"I don’t sleep," she shrugs. "Pretty sure no one here does, but…"

How she ends up in his room, she’s not quite sure, but she doesn’t mind. They’re both still fully clothed. They’re both adults (she checked and apparently he’s twenty-six, old for a recruit but his circumstances are wildly different from hers). As far as she followed, there are no policies against recruits finding solace in each other. If she wants to lie in another’s bed with their arms still wrapped around her, that’s her decision and no one can fault her for it. No one at all. This is  _hers_.

_The first time his body is warmer than hers._

They kiss a few more times. She learns to initiate - in her before, none of her prey liked that, but none of her usual protocols apply to the situation she’s found herself in. This one, her quiet kind one, does not push her further. They don’t talk about it - they don’t talk about anything, they don’t really need to. They have their little routine, finding each other at night and just  _being_. It’s enough.

Everyone thinks they’re fucking, of course. She doesn’t exactly try to kill that rumor, because the thought has definitely crossed her mind and she’s not opposed. But she’s waiting - for what, she’s not sure, but maybe she’d rather not be the one to initiate things. She’s not sure  _how_. She’s used to being taken from, not offering herself. Objectively, this is better, but it’s still weird as hell and she doesn’t do weird. Not now, not ever.

Or at least until one of her better nights, when the itch gets bad and she turns to face him instead of their usual routine. “Do you want me?”

For a moment, she’s halfway convinced he’s in shock. “What do you mean?”

"Sexually."

He kisses her, longer than usual, hands slipping to her hips. “Is this what you want?”

She glares at him. “If it wasn’t, do you really think I’d be suggesting it?” Bad question - they  _have_  had a little convo about her relationship history and how this arrangement of theirs is wildly different from anything she’s had before, and the fact that she’s fucked people she didn’t necessarily want isn’t hard to figure out. “I want you. I mean that.”

He’s unlike anyone she’s ever been with before. He kisses her and he kisses well, he whispers little things about parts of her beyond her tits and cunt, he asks her again and again if she’s okay and he nearly stops entirely when her eyes water midway through. He would, she’s pretty sure, except that she rocks her hips upward to meet him and gives a look that has never failed her yet.

"Am I doing something wrong?"

"No," she breathes, closing her eyes. "You’re doing something right."

 _The first time she tells someone everything_.

They’re in a car in the actual middle of nowhere, somewhere in Canada, when she completely breaks. They’re on a surveillance mission, which is apparently code for “watch an abandoned building nonstop for three days and try not to get hypothermia” - in other words, the kind of mission recruits get stuck with because everyone else has enough weight to turn it down. At least someone thought it was funny to send one of the couples out, so at least she has decent company. And… hey, it’s good timing for a lot of things.

"We need to talk," she says, reaching out and wrapping her fingers around his wrist. She’s checked, made damn sure the car isn’t bugged, made sure it’s safe. She can do this.

"Oh?" After four months of their pattern, he’s finally stopped asking if she’s okay every damn time she opens her mouth.

"I’m not…" She takes a deep breath, terrified. "We’re not… Division is bad, okay?"

"I know that," he shrugs. "I think I’ve set a new record for longest time in that basement because of that."

"If you hadn’t, you never would’ve met me," she laughs. "But… look, I knew that before I got in there. I know things. I’m there  _intentionally_. Someone else… that girl they’re all looking for? She found me. She  _saved_  me. And in return… I’ve given her info. That’s why she’s still out there. It’s the least I can do and…”

His free hand cups her face, steadying her. “Just one question - why are you telling me?”

"Because I love you, Lincoln," she breathes. She’s giving up her disconnect here and now, deciding once and for all that she will  _let_  this one matter to her in every way possible. ”Because when I get out - and it’s a when, trust me, there’s a  _plan_  - I want to bring you out too. Is that… can you keep my secret? Please?”

He leans in and kisses her forehead, lingering in that way he does. “What do I need to do to help?”

"Nothing. Right now, we wait. It’s not in my hands. Just stay with me as much as possible and…"

"I can do that."


End file.
